


sourdough

by eggu



Category: EXO (Band), Meigeni
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Asexuality Spectrum, Fluff and Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 07:42:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14208417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggu/pseuds/eggu
Summary: kd62: soo wishes his wannabe-rapper neighbor would just stfu . . .





	sourdough

**Author's Note:**

> a crack version of a work to come out in the future called "the honey café"~ originally this was going to be more slice-of-life but because i got so attached to the characters i ended up not wanting to rush through it - its now under my to-do list as a third longfic wip, and this is a much, much, much shorter, alternate version for this lovely, lovely fest! thank you to lou, as well as gabbie and alice for the endless support of my writing crackventures, and for the mods for being so great as well.

WTF.

No, seriously - WTF?

Soo rolls out of bed and thumps the wall. Someone’s been wailing like a cat in heat next door and he’s had just about enough of it. But who is this mystery person, and why do they sound like that? He can’t wrap his head around it, to be honest.

He falls to the ground in utter anguish. The nerve! The gall! The absolute rudity! He nearly weeps in his sorrow. All he wanted was a little sleep and this stupid neighbour couldn't stop wailing like a beat-up country singer with vocal chords sprayed with liquid steroids.

Next door, Fanfan penned yet another song feverishly. Yes, he told himself. This next rap would be the rappiest rap of them all. He was gonna be the coolest kitten on the whole block, and no one would judgily judge his freestyling freestyles - he'd rehearse the heck out of those freestyles, no question!

But if only he had a beautiful lady to share it all with. A whole legion of fans and yet no one had pierced his guarded, well-armoured heart...

No matter. If he could be the rappiest rapper in all the land, he would surely win the feels of his dream lady. Ah, his dream lady... in his mind's eye she was cute, and round. Over a foot shorter than him. And looked at him with utter adoration. Maybe when he travelled, she'd be someone willing to come with him and he'd always have her to cuddle with at the end of the day, and have tickle fights with. She'd have tiny hands, but a big appetite, possibly for croissants (his favourite pastry), and would also love eating the eggs he made. And the steaks. And she'd love his misshapen dumplings - and in particular - hate cilantro, parsley, and coriander as much as he did. Maybe she'd be a writer and/or a performer of some sort... maybe she'd be a writer of crack fiction or something, too.

He looked at his notebook, a tad sad. He knew he wasn't quite at the level he desired. Not yet, not by a long shot. Oh, if only some amazing writer could help inspire him! Or at least, proofread - he slightly cursed his Canadian education - why were all American producers so hung up over extra "u"s everywhere? Some people were colonized by the British, Trevour.

Back in the apartment next door, Soo wrote a fairly threatening note. He stomped over to Fanfan's door, shoving the paper under it.

Fanfan screeched a little, as he was frightened by the sudden intrusion of thin, biodegradable material entering the vicinity. But the note was even scarier, and judging by the loudness of the stomping, he didn't want to know what tall and scary man was on the other side of it. So he stayed quiet until he heard the man politely slam his door while leaving for work - and once he did, Fanfan sighed a sigh of relief.

A few days later, Soo was banging his head on the counter of the local bakery.

Miss Burger, his manager, looked at him disapprovingly - he was supposed to be cleaning counters, not smearing his forehead grease all over them. But she sympathized with his frustration, because as his BFFL she wanted to be understanding due to his lack of sleep. After all, anytime she got anything less than 12 hours herself, she'd get a little cranky too.

"Wendy, when will I be like Sleeping Beauty?" asked Soo.

"First, you have to be a Beauty," she snickered, and Soo's eyes teared up.

"You're a mean Miss Burger and you should be grateful I'm your BFF otherwise I'd have stopped working here by now." 

"No," she laughed, smushing his face with one hand. "You wouldn't have anyone to do crazy ballad duets with anymore since the Bagels already bromanced themselves away to the Land of Singers, without you."

So Soo was sad, because he missed Baek and JD - he even missed Chan, whose teeth were louder than his booming voice. But they had moved on because they had found their tru lovs and were, indeed (as Wendy had said) bromance'd away via the entertainment cruise ship SM.

He knew he could ask Wendy to go with him, but he felt an unresolved purpose lingering. He knew there was something left he had to do before leaving, but he just couldn't figure out what.

A woman walked into the bakery, curly black hair taking up a lot of space. She bought a sourdough butter croissant and snacked on it in the corner, happy as a clam.

Wendy smiled happily, since she loved the fact so many loyal croissant customers came in to enjoy her croissants. She skipped off to make more for her adoring public.

A man walked in to the bakery, taking up a lot of space too due to all his height, and was sad because the last sourdough butter croissant was taken.

Soo felt bad for the man, so he gave him a regular butter croissant at half off. The man's face lit up, and he thanked Soo very sincerely.

"I thank you sincerely, kind sir," he said, raspy voice a low hum. One perfect tear formed perfectly on the outer corner of his left eye. "For you saw how sad I was and cheered me with your kindly kindness."

And so the man left, happy.

Soo was happy too, until he woke up the next morning to more of a ruckus next door. Why did his neighbour always do things at 7AM? Why?!

He wrote another letter, more creative and threatening than last time.

Next door, upon receiving the letter in the same fashion as last time, Fanfan cowered in fear. The man had yelled "shut up" so loud, all the photos of him and his momma had fallen off his fridge. What a mean man! he thought, as he dusted off the three photos and stuck them back on with his banana magnets.

Back at work, Wendy was comforting Soo.

"Don't worry, my main broski, I'm sure you'll fulfill your purpose soon! Then we'll be able to get on our dream cruise and sail away with your Beagles again."

"But what is my purpose? What is meaning? What is life? What is air?!" he questioned to the ceiling, as if the answers would float down from the abyss. Wendy sighed, patted his stubbly scalp, and went to the back to make more croissants.

The same woman seeking the same croissants as last time entered - he greeted her warmly, and sold her the last one.

The same man from last time walked in as well, and stared forlornly as Soo removed the price tag from the display and moved other croissants in to fill the empty space the sourdough ones used to take up.

"But nothing will fill the empty space in my heart," he whispered, fingers brushing the glass sadly.

"You know," said Soo, "maybe you could call ahead next time, and I could get my boss lady to make more for you."

"That's a great idea," the man said, and handed him his phone.

Soo was startled, because the moment the man's giant hand swung towards him with the tiny-looking phone, he realized the phone was actually, like, a really small tablet. How odd.

"OK, text me," he said, handing the man back his tablet-phone.

Upon leaving the bakery, his eyes widened. The baker's assistant had given him his personal phone number (not the bakery's) he noticed since he had taken a business card too. The man walked home with a smile on his face. 

Wendy came back out from the back with a giant armful more sourdough butter croissants, and the woman with the curly hair nearly cried in happiness and kissed Wendy on both cheeks. Wendy blushed, and gave the lady some free croissants for her compliments.

Soo looked at them, happy for Wendy.

"I think my purpose has been fulfilled, feeding her," said Wendy, and looked at Soo. "Once you find yours, I think we'll both be ready to go. But for now, I'm going to help you bring home all the day-old chocolate croissants so that you don't have to do groceries for a while."

So, Soo and Wendy headed to his apartment. They arrived and had a lovely croissant dinner, and settled in to listen to some tunes. And although it was already late in the evening, the neighbour was still yodelling about some fruit beverage and threatened to drown out Soo's state of the art sound system.

He angrily texted his new text buddy, and a loud beep was heard from next door.

Shocked, Soo flew to the next apartment's door and knocked loudly. Wendy trailed behind, mildly confused.

The same croissant man opened the door, tablet-phone in hand.

"YOU!?" Soo yelled, already-wide eyes widening further.

"YOU?!" Fanfan yelled, his mouth hanging open.

"ME!" yelled Wendy, elbowing Soo out of the way, "Why didn't you tell me you were in town, Kriscross bun?"

'I was trying to surprise you," he sputtered, "But I couldn't find your bakery..."

"I've seen you walking in our door for like, a whole week now!" yelled Soo. "It's LITERALLY called Wendy's Croissant Bakery!!!" He said, even more incredulous, but it was drowned out by the loud sobbing from both the people in front of him. However, to be fair, Fanfan was sobbing harder because Wendy had sucker-punched him in the gut.

"Ohana means family, you turd!" she yelled. She turned to Soo. "Step-siblings," she said simply, and stormed off. "You better come into the bakery tomorrow so I can feed you properly, then maybe your writing will get less frat boy-y!" she called over her shoulder as she left.

"Fanfan," Soo said for the first time. "You were my neighbour this whole time?"

"Yes," he wheezed, his lungs finally operating normally again. "I'm sorry if I've been bothering you, I just wanted practice to make my performance perfect because since I left my previous cruise ship, I've been teasing everyone with an album and haven't dropped it yet."

And so Soo came into Fanfan's apartment and they didn't emerge until the next day with a completed song. It was a sad jam to end all sad jams, stemming from Fanfan's misfortune regarding a missing piece of his life. Soo didn't quite understand, but so long as the loudness no longer hurt his ears, it was all good.

They walked back into the bakery, and Fanfan narrowed his eyes at the woman with the curly hair sitting in the corner. But Wendy was bringing out more sourdough butter croissants, and as he bit into one he started crying in happiness. He hadn't seen his family in a really long time and Wendy was all he had now - tasting these croissants was like coming home.

The moment was so perfect and emotional that it radiated even to Soo, who pulled out his hanky to dab at his eyelids. He was happy for his lovely new bro, who'd finally been reunited with his step-sister. He was also happy for himself since he'd no longer have to listen to raps about posses gettin' nhastie... or rasta being pasta... or shaking, jiggling, or popping, for that matter. 

"Tissue for your issues?" said Soo to Fanfan.

The man gasped. "You rhyme so eloquently! Oh, Soo - will you help me write all my rhymes from now on?"

"Of course, you horse," said Soo. "But also, you should probably know that my poetry was mentored by this awesome poet and I didn't even know it... in fact, she's the one who's been eating all the sourdough croissants."

Fanfan gasped. He turned around slowly and made eye contact with the woman mid-bite. Suddenly every part of the song, he realized, wasn't written out of sadness - it was her, it was HER he needed, and she deserved all the baked goods.

He leaped up to perform for her beautifulness, hoping she would love him for the rap man of China he was.

"Baby, you deserve a scone!" He sang-yell, and the girl automatically fell in love with his bald potato head.

"My name is Egg," she said, as he took her hand. "But you can call me whatever you want!"

"I'll be your potato... if you'll be my yam! Oh, Yam Yam - Will you be my friendiest friend?" said Fanfan, getting down on one knee and pushing a small donut onto her finger. "Then after we are friends for an appropriate amount of time, explore our romantic feelings for each other to the point we respectfully communicate about our reciprocated, buttery feelings and eventually decide on a date where we will pronounce our love together in holy matrimony?"

"Yes!" the woman said. "Yes, Potato, I agree!"

"And Mr. Soo," said Potato Wu. "Will you be my friend for a long ass ride?"

"Wendy," said Yam Yam, "Will you make us baked goods forever as well?"

Soo and Wendy looked at each other. "Sure," both said.

"Well, all's well that ends well," said Wendy. "But what happens now? Should we go on the cruise ship? Because all I want to do is keep making baked goods for her, and you and he make a cute BroTP."

"I think... I think our ships have been here the whole time," Soo choked.

"Can I call you Soop?" asked Yam Yam. "I just want us all to have food names. But you," she said, hugging Wendy tight, "You're wonderful and I love you so much! You don’t need a new name, you already have one!"

The floor above the bakery was converted into a really super cool and magnificently decorated performance space where Soop Doggo and Potato Wu performed every weekend (as Potato Soop) their billions of smash hits, and the four also moved together in the large loft apartment above both spaces - apartment 2 in building 6, to which Soop and Potato had signed their name on the lease.

"You're truly bro-est bro," said Soop to Potato. "Even if you look ugly when you cry."

"And you're truly MY bro-est bro," said Potato, hugging Soop tenderly. "You are mine," he said, his giant hands taking Soop's in his and warming them. “My soopy, beautiful, incredble sourd.ough croissant of my life. You are: my home, and I never want to be parted from you!”

Wendy made the croissant into a sandwich to complete the symbolism of their love.

"And your relationship,” she said to Potato, “is just as legitimate as a romantic one because the narrative that true love is always romantic is a stupid fallacy created by an utterly misguided society led by disproportionate misogyny and patriarchy that completely fails to understand the vital importance of all the many different kinds of emotional bonds and connections humans can make with each other!" said Wendy, holding Yam Yam's hand and smiling at all of them fondly.

And they all lived happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for taking the time to read this. i hope you enjoyed this as much as i took absolute joy writing it. goofy, loveable yifan with a very soft kyungsoo are something i sorely miss together, so i hope to write more of their friendship in the future.
> 
> f.a.q.'s  
> 1\. yes, they are all on the asexual spectrum in various degrees
> 
> 2\. yes, it's kinda more like an ot4 but i focused on the soulmate-y-ness of krisoo's bond within the context of the asexual spectrum
> 
> 3\. when i was in yyc, sidewalk citizen bakery in the simmons factory brought me to the awareness of a missing piece of my life: sourdough butter croissants. it's mentioned twenty thousand times here because now that i'm back in yvr i'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms.
> 
> 4\. yes, it's a shameless self-insert fic because i love all three of these peoples and i love this dream au and, yes, i will forever freely fantasize about an endless supply of my favourite buttery pastry :D
> 
> 5\. they are never mentioned explicitly but my friends ja9 and julie are in this au, too... they're with the bagels on the boat. :) ja9 x chan10, and baekchen+julie !


End file.
